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A New Perspective To Old Relation Dynamics

When things get difficult, we are generally consumed in relations by looking at who is doing what to whom, how it should’t be, who is right or wrong. It leads us into diccussions we are probably familiar with and we don’t wanna go and yet almost pulled into! I mean the type of arguments which you almost know from the start what will be said, you can almost leave the conversation at a point and play a recorder for the rest of the talking! Same things, nothing new, no solution! .
I want to invite you to take a step back and approach with a different perspective to the same situation. Try to see things just as a ‘dynamic’ or a ‘role’ taking place. What do I mean by dynamics or roles in relationships? It might be anything you or the other person think, feel, do, experience. For example let’s assume you are a person who wants to speak and solve issues, not leave anything unresolved and the other person is more silent and avoiding to speak. Take it as a ‘role only’; the role of not wanting to speak or avoiding to speak
and search for yourself when and where you have been or you are in that role. Your initial response might be no, I am never like that, but stay with the question and soon you will see. When you see it, think of what made you or makes you go there, what was or is your why’s for avoding to speak. You can also think of how some other close relations you see this role. How and when it shows up. Or what is different in your relations that it doesn’t show up.
Now I want to invite you to look at this relationship and search how you might also be bringing that role, maybe just a tiny little bit. If you can completely be true to yourself, you may be able to find your part. For example there might be just one topic that you never bring to the table or maybe you say lets talk but you know he or she will refuse anyway and actually you are not so willing internally or for you it is just another aspect you can use to accuse the other one or to show yourself as the one who does the right thing…How maybe rarely, maybe slightly you are feeling or acting like that. If that person shows lets say a dark grey of that quality, we are looking for your light grey version.
Finding how and why a ‘role’ that disturbs us in the other is also alive in us is one of the most transforming perspectives for self and relations in my experience. WHY?
· It resolves the energy, so now you can go beyond toxic reactions and have a meaningful conversation about how you feel and what you both need.
· You become more open to see the other one beyond that trait or labeling. You may find yourself discovering new things about that person; which was actually there all the time but you weren’t seeing.
· It brings real empathy and understanding. In my experience empathy comes when you know yourself! You may find yourself more compassionate.
· You shed light into a shadow and grow personally. It is a wonderful way to work on
· This brings your attention from others to yourself and change the way you perceive relations. Any tension or resistance becomes a way for you to discover more of yourself.

Decision Making, Polarities and the Matrix

I felt like I saw the 0011 codes as Neo did in the Matrix movie while delivering a Deep Democracy Training. It was quite a moment for me, I want to share the story!
So in Deep Democracy training the participants decide what to do next and I facilitate their decision making process with my facilitator hat. There were two suggestions, we voted and it was equal votes for both topics. So asked the participants to “lobby” their views for about 5 minutes, why we should continue with what they want. Everybody shared their why’s as strong as possible and we voted a second time, equal votes on both sides.
So I switched the tools, new tool for decision making when groups cycle, same result: equal votes! How can a simple decision as what to do next take so much time and create tension right? I am sure you are experiencing this in meetings! There is a simple, seemingly “rational” decision you think would take 5 minutes and it takes an hour and everybody wants to leave the meeting feeling tired and exhausted in the process!
So in our training, where there was time to cover everything and we tried 3 different tools and no decision still. It shows me, this is not a rational decision anymore but an irrational one. So I switch to a tool for irrational issues. But to switch to it, I need to see the two sides, the polarity, that this whole discussion is turning around. And when I went over the things that were said I realised, the polarity was between theory and experience!
When I shared with the group if they can see this whole discussion was turning around theory versus experience, there was an immediate recognition in the group! So we decided to go into an argument with anonymous decision: theory is more important and should come first versus experience is more important! And it felt like a new wave of energy was released! The group realised how passionate they were and how much they had to say from both sides! The process ended with deep personal awareness and a realisation about how getting into conflict serves to build peace and amplifying a polarisation serves to unify!
As we were continuing the training, one participant shared a dynamic he was living with his son and asked me: I keep telling my son but he doesn’t understand. Should I keep trying to make him understand or should I just let him hit the wall and learn the hard way? I got very excited at this point because what he was actually telling me was that he was using theory to convince him till today and he was thinking whether he should change his approach and allow for experience for him to learn! The same polarity in a different way! The group wasn’t as excited as I was but they could see the polarity!
And finally we wanted to select another topic to experience the tools one last time. I was getting their views and one participant suggested to talk about ‘the dynamics shaping the country’ while another participant responded: That topic would be up in the air, lets talk about something in our circle of influence to reach a conclusion and act upon! I was amazed with the fractile of the same theme of theory versus practice showing itself! And revealing this changed the energy in the group. That was when I felt like I was seeing the 1s and 0s passing by! Different subject, different people and same pattern. Amazed with the realisation, we shared a sweet moment of silence in our understanding in a deeper layer.
So I invite you to try to see what your repetitive challenges in decision making is really about. Try to see the polarity that challenge is swimming in and go fishing:)